Monday was Valentines Day. Or it used to be. Now, it’s now a shared holiday: Valentines and Galentines. A horror show of modern narcissism and capitalist over-consumption rolled into one.
Now before we start, I’d like to say it’s not really a holiday. I had to work for starters. I get that we sort of call Christmas a ‘holiday’ and easter and stuff too but it’s very American to call things a ‘holiday’. I mean they love a (fake) holiday over there. Every week it’s something different. It’s impressive how many dedicated days they have for people or things, given the country is only ~250 years old. But they do do everything bigger over there - personalities, cities, BMIs. In Britain we’re a bit more reserved about things, understated. So calling Valentines Day a ‘holiday’ feels a bit too American. Like how we’ve started to say semester, high school and ‘god that guy in charge with the stupid hair is a bit of an arse’.
Valentines seems to be a highly charged time of year. Both for those in the pro-camp: almost exclusively those in ‘love’ and those in the anti-camp: a mixture of people not in love, left wing anti-capitalists (who secretly want flowers) and harried men in the Card Factory at 5:15pm. Whether weeping as you sit alone in your room or when the waiter brings the bill, Valentines is always an emotional time. I’m sure it can be hard for those who have suffered in love to walk the streets during February, constantly reminded of what you can’t have. Much like how those with severe egg allergies tend to stay indoors on the 5th of May1.
For all the sexual-frustration-fuelled hate that Valentine’s Day gets - it’s far from the worst ‘holiday’. Yes it’s basically just another loosely historic day, turned into a pink, heart-shaped cog in the capitalist growth machine. But is it all that bad? Christmas scantly resembles its religious past. If you asked a child why we have Christmas nowadays they might be mistaken for thinking it’s a celebration of the PS1’s birthday than that of Jesus. If the worst thing that money extorting holidays can make you do is to force you to tell the person you love, that you love them, it’s not so bad. (Of course ‘I love you is less said now, more shown via saying ‘this is so nice, why don’t we come out more?’ while picking at fancy foods neither of you like, followed by 10 minutes of ‘the usual stuff’ in a triple-the-rate hotel room).
Valentine’s Day isn’t what my usual ire and cutting cynicism is reserved for this week. No that’s for it’s aforementioned arch rival ‘Galentines’. This abhorrent-yet-genuis piece of marketing propaganda comes straight out of Mad Men. Realising that they were losing some of the market due to those pesky single people, a new concept was needed. Galentines.
In a line it’s: You’re not sad and alone, you’re happily single with your friends! And to prove how definitely happy and not at all sad, or insecure, or worried about dying alone you are, you’re encouraged to head out and drink
. Or if not that, then to ‘treat yourself’. Jewellery companies are only too happy to write ‘To Me, From Me’ on the gift tag as you swipe your card through. There’s nothing wrong with being single any day, much less the 14th - but going overboard to show you’re ok, probably means you’re not. In the words of Tywin Lannister - any man who must say ‘I am the king’, is no king. In the same way - any tequila-infused girl who screams ‘I just loooooove being single’ whilst on top of a table, in a bar, in February, doesn't in fact ‘looooove being single’.
What’s troubling is the narcissism of it all. Galentine’s was born out of the thought that by celebrating love, we were slighting the single. This is the latest in a modern trend whereby to celebrate one is thing is to condemn another. Rosa Parks isn’t moaning about MLK day any more than parsnips feel offended on Halloween. Honouring something doesn’t mean it’s inverse is awful. Next we’ll hear how Ramadan is fat-phobic and Lent is disrespectful to the poor.
Anyway, much love, and i’m off to enjoy the best thing about any ‘holiday’ - the heavily discounted, unwanted chocolates in Tescos2 the next day.
If you are confused by this joke it’s because the 5th of May is ‘Cinco de Mayo’, and Mayo has eggs in it. Yes i’m a dad why do you ask?
I believe this is a Scottish thing where the name of any shop must be plural. Asdas, Markies, Tescos etc... For my American readership these shops are like Walmart without the guns or GMOs.